What it is that you want so much to attain for yourself but which has yet remained the biggest challenge for yourself each day?

My question for the day. I think the important bit is not just what I want to attain but something that causes me to struggle every day.

This is a simple one for me. It would be easy to say 'a family' but this isn't a daily struggle. The single most important thing to me which I would like to attain is a healthy weight.
It has eluded me for years and yes, this is a daily struggle.

I used to have a very poor relationship with food when I was younger and struggled thorugh a period of bulemia, followed by many years of binge eating disorder. I don't think that is something which ever really goes away. It is a constant battle.

I used to say that I would rather have become reliant on drugs or alcohol - you can abstain from these things completely if you wish to. But food, no. With food you have to face your demons at every meal time. I don't drink, I've never smoked, I try to take enough exercise and look after myself. My one vice, my enemy is the one thing I can't avoid.

I confessed the other night to my wonderful fiance about my history with food and eating disorders. I think he tried to understand and I'm greatful that he didn't come out with anything crass like "can't you just not eat so much" (as other partners have done). I don't think though, that anyone who hasn't been in that situation can really get how it feels to want to keep eating until you feel sick. And then the guilt afterwards - leading to even worse feelings about yourself.
No, no, this isn't a 'poor me, (poor me, pour me another drink as recovering alcoholic ex boyfriend once used to joke) moment. It's just an attempt to describe the horrid cycle of evil thoughts that drive those with eating disorders.

Like I said before, learning to meditate changed my life. I don't feel so controlled by food anymore. I don't feel the need to comfort eat the way that I did. I honestly can't remember the last time that I binged out. That's not to say that it has all left my life for good. It is still very much a vivid memory, painful enough to remind me how it feels to give in to it again.

I can't describe the shame that I feel about allowing myself to get that way. I suppose part of it is about being out of control and part is due to the idea that outsiders would look in and think that I am lazy and greedy and that it is all my fault. I have a friend who has a problem with binge eating too. We totally understand each other in way that even our partners cannot. I know how it feels to want to just keep eating and eating to make yourself feel better. I get the shame of hiding wrappers deep in the bin so no one else will know my shameful secret. I understand the feeling of sickness afterwards, which is more than just physical. Being utterly disguted with yourself, and wanting to either purge or turn back time.

But the guilt these days is fleeting. It is acknowledged and then I move on, because otherwise, dwelling on it means being drawn along a dark road that I don't want to travel ever again.

There have been so many times over the last year that I could have turned back to my old habits for comfort if I had wanted to but I didn't - and I am so proud of myself every minute that I make the right decision!

So here I am, still trying to make the right choices every day, still wishing that I could fit into a size 14 :) One day, I'll get there.