It's funny how life can change in such a short space of time.
I got well enough to go back to work. Went back to work and ended up being confronted with seven shades of Sh!te, but that's ok, work and I will get through our issues....
The Boyfriend, as lovely as he is, is no longer The Boyfriend. He is now The Ex. Don't ask what happened - I don't honestly know, but he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and so we parted. It's a shame that he couldn't have figured that out 8 months ago, but hey ho, such is life.
One thing he said to me was that he felt I was too fat. No don't get me wrong, he is not a perfect specimen of a man. But too fat? I'm a size 18 - so yes, I know I am big and need to lose weight, but I was bigger than this when he met me. And the average dress size in the UK is 16 - does that make me horriffic to look at?
Does he mean too fat to be loveable? Too fat to be sexy? Too fat to be attractive? I wish I'd quizzed him on it really, but at the time I was a little too stunned by the remark.
Now I don't know whether it's his remarks, the prospect of actually having to go on another date at some point in the future or just my on going battle with weight in general, but I've decided to join a slimming club. Again.
I've been to a few before, when I was younger and before the diabetes kicked in and I did pretty well. I think it was to do with being officially weighed every week. Since I've been teaching, I've really struggled to find time to go to the meetings consistently every week - and then the plan goes down the drain.
So off I went last night, took myself to the meeting. I have to say that unlike any other meeting I have ever been to, this one was not full of little cliques - it genuinely seemed like a really friendly bunch of people. I was a little disturbed by the presence of ex student - but she didn't recongnise me and I pretended not to recognise her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to talk to students out of school but this weight battle is really personal and I have a real thing about protecting my personal life.
I do wish sometimes that there was something juicy to protect - but there isn't. Perhaps I want to pretend that my life is actually really exciting....
So I have carefully recorded my food for the day, weighed out what I needed to and made sure that I have done 30 minutes of exercise today. I feel pretty good actually. Not for any physical reason, I'm sure, just the righteousness that comes with being 'good' on a diet.
I really should get out of that mind set. It's not a diet - it has to be my way of life for the next year if I am going to be successful.
I thought about a sensible target last night. I need to lose 5 stone in total before I am within a healthy weight. This needs to be a long term plan. I guess that a good shorter term target should be 2 stone. That would make a huge difference to my health.
So, target is set at 24 lb. One pound at at time. I can do it.
I may have a little help. I have today just started on Byetta injections for the diabetes. Picked the pen up today and all the associated bits and pieces. I am now the proud owner of a sharps bin and a whole box of needles. One of the side effects is weight loss for some people, so I am hoping that I am one of the lucky ones.
It's a funny thing, having to inject yourself. I know that millions of people do it every day and it's no big deal - but I still had to count to three and close my eyes. I didn't feel it and I'm sure I'll get used to it but the thought of sticking a needle in myself is still wierd to me.
One of the other side effects is nausea - so am keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get that one.
Wednesday 25 November 2009
Thursday 12 November 2009
12th November - not getting anywhere fast
Still off work, have now been signed off until Monday. I am desperate to get back to work but determined, for a change, to be properly well before I go back.
To ease my boredom, and I have to admit, loneliness, the internet has been my friend and companion.
I have signed up to postcrossing and am working on making 5 postcards to send to random stangers in the hope of recieving mail more interesting that bank statements. I'll keep you posted!
Things with the weightloss not brilliant. I guess when I am at home feeling ill is not the best time to try to focus on making plans and starting yet another diet. Saw terry's chocolate orange for sale half price and so brought two. They are not my favourite things and I rarely eat them but did I need two? Now since they were in the house and I was bored and fed up, I ate them. Both. Not at once, but still. What was that about? I haven't listened to Paul in a few days. Think I need to go and get the mind porgramming CD and listen to it again.
I had 3 choclate biscuits with my coffee last night and when I offered one to The Boyfriend, he refused, saying that he was 'making a statement'.
He nearly ended up wearing the biscuits, or having the packet shoved sideways somewhere unpleasant. Did I mention that he had earlier revealed that he had eaten 9 biscuits for breakfast? Any answers as to why this made me feel so angry with him on a postcard please, because I don't really know. All I do know is that in that moment, I really really hated his skinny arsed self for the way he made me feel.
However, to be fair to him, he offerred to come running with me when I am feeling better. I appreciated the gesture but to be honest, I doubt very much that it will happen.
Watched an article about writing letters to your teen self. I wondered what I would write to my teen self and I came up with this:
Dear Pipster Teen Self,
You are a beautiful young woman. Stop looking in the mirror and seeing only imperfections. Yes, you have a curvy figure but your boyfriend is madly in love with what he sees. He will tell you later on in life that your figure made him the envy of every boy in your year. He does love you, in fact he will look back and consider you to be the great love of his life.
You have such honesty and intergrity that you deserve to be proud of yourself. You sometimes do what you think is right rather than what you are told to do, but stay with this, it is what makes you the person that you are.
You are not responsible for what happened to you when you were a little girl. You are allowed to be angry about it, but don't ever feel guilty, no matter how your parents deal with it - that is their battle, not yours. Trust yourself to make the right decision about how to handle it. You are special and you are loved very much. The best revenge is to be sucessful and to have a great life, and you will. He is nothing, he will always be nothing and does not deserve any space in your brain.
Never be tempted to try to change to suit someone else. If someone does not love you exactly as you are, then you do not need them in your life. Sure, lose weight if you need to, but do it for yourself and in a healthy way. Food does not have to be your life. Any other way is a path towards an eating disorder which will get it's claws into you, a demon you will fight with forever.
Don't stop being frightened - but just understand that everyone is frightened sometimes. Just don't let fear stop you from having great adventures.
Trust your instincts. Open your heart to your angels for they are always there for you. You have a special gift which one day you will use to heal people. Don't be scared of it, like your brother is. It's ok, you are being well looked after and always will be.
Love,
Pipster
To ease my boredom, and I have to admit, loneliness, the internet has been my friend and companion.
I have signed up to postcrossing and am working on making 5 postcards to send to random stangers in the hope of recieving mail more interesting that bank statements. I'll keep you posted!
Things with the weightloss not brilliant. I guess when I am at home feeling ill is not the best time to try to focus on making plans and starting yet another diet. Saw terry's chocolate orange for sale half price and so brought two. They are not my favourite things and I rarely eat them but did I need two? Now since they were in the house and I was bored and fed up, I ate them. Both. Not at once, but still. What was that about? I haven't listened to Paul in a few days. Think I need to go and get the mind porgramming CD and listen to it again.
I had 3 choclate biscuits with my coffee last night and when I offered one to The Boyfriend, he refused, saying that he was 'making a statement'.
He nearly ended up wearing the biscuits, or having the packet shoved sideways somewhere unpleasant. Did I mention that he had earlier revealed that he had eaten 9 biscuits for breakfast? Any answers as to why this made me feel so angry with him on a postcard please, because I don't really know. All I do know is that in that moment, I really really hated his skinny arsed self for the way he made me feel.
However, to be fair to him, he offerred to come running with me when I am feeling better. I appreciated the gesture but to be honest, I doubt very much that it will happen.
Watched an article about writing letters to your teen self. I wondered what I would write to my teen self and I came up with this:
Dear Pipster Teen Self,
You are a beautiful young woman. Stop looking in the mirror and seeing only imperfections. Yes, you have a curvy figure but your boyfriend is madly in love with what he sees. He will tell you later on in life that your figure made him the envy of every boy in your year. He does love you, in fact he will look back and consider you to be the great love of his life.
You have such honesty and intergrity that you deserve to be proud of yourself. You sometimes do what you think is right rather than what you are told to do, but stay with this, it is what makes you the person that you are.
You are not responsible for what happened to you when you were a little girl. You are allowed to be angry about it, but don't ever feel guilty, no matter how your parents deal with it - that is their battle, not yours. Trust yourself to make the right decision about how to handle it. You are special and you are loved very much. The best revenge is to be sucessful and to have a great life, and you will. He is nothing, he will always be nothing and does not deserve any space in your brain.
Never be tempted to try to change to suit someone else. If someone does not love you exactly as you are, then you do not need them in your life. Sure, lose weight if you need to, but do it for yourself and in a healthy way. Food does not have to be your life. Any other way is a path towards an eating disorder which will get it's claws into you, a demon you will fight with forever.
Don't stop being frightened - but just understand that everyone is frightened sometimes. Just don't let fear stop you from having great adventures.
Trust your instincts. Open your heart to your angels for they are always there for you. You have a special gift which one day you will use to heal people. Don't be scared of it, like your brother is. It's ok, you are being well looked after and always will be.
Love,
Pipster
Monday 9 November 2009
The purpose.
Sitting here feeling pretty crappy. I haven't been well for a while and I thought that if I started to dcoument my health issues and what I try to do about them I might actually get somewhere with the doctors, other than the standard "lose weight, then you'll feel better" (if you are overweight and have ever been to a doctors, you will know exactly what I'm talking about).
Ok, so let's start with the weight. I have 5 stone to lose before I can even see a 'healthy weight' on the horizon. I've tried pretty much everything. The only thing which has remotely worked has been Dr Bernstein's Diet Solution for Diabetes. Much like Atkins, it tightly restricts carbohydrates but is so very hard to stick to. It's also the only thing which has brought my blood sugar into control.
I've tried over and over to lose weight - in fact it was my inability to do so that led me to start the journey with the doctors which eventually led to a diagnosis for diabetes, after I had kept journals of my strict eating and exercise habits for a year, without success. (Even despite the weighing and measuring of food, the medical professionals still did that pitying smile and one sided head nodding thing, followed by "you probably don't realise how much you are eating". How can I not realise? I weigh it, record it, cook it and put it in my mouth don't I? For God's sake - it's not like I don't know anything about nutrition! Grrr.)
Anyway. I keep trying.
My latest attempt is Paul McKenna CDs as I go to bed. It does work in one way. One of the 4 key principles is only eat when you are hungry. Sadly, despite my massive size and contrary to popular opinion, I don't have a huge appetite. So when I listen to the CD, I eat hardly anything, perhaps once a day. This is great for weightloss but really bad for blood glucose (BG) control. So I end up having to monitor my BG and eat something if I really have to.
The boyfriend, as lovely as he is, knows nothing about nutrition or biology. He used to know someone who was diabetic and so claims to know all about it. Yesterday he tried to give me advice, which is very touching, but there, apparently, is only a number of ways to tell someone 'tried that' before they get upset.... In the end I listened carefully and nodded and said simply "thank you". I know he means well.
His prize nuggets yesterday were:
1. Try eating less.
2. Sit ups burn fat from your stomach. The best way to do sit ups is by hooking your feet under your bed and then lifting your body up.
3. Stop going on about food all the time.
Well thanks hun, that's really helpful.
Ok, so let's start with the weight. I have 5 stone to lose before I can even see a 'healthy weight' on the horizon. I've tried pretty much everything. The only thing which has remotely worked has been Dr Bernstein's Diet Solution for Diabetes. Much like Atkins, it tightly restricts carbohydrates but is so very hard to stick to. It's also the only thing which has brought my blood sugar into control.
I've tried over and over to lose weight - in fact it was my inability to do so that led me to start the journey with the doctors which eventually led to a diagnosis for diabetes, after I had kept journals of my strict eating and exercise habits for a year, without success. (Even despite the weighing and measuring of food, the medical professionals still did that pitying smile and one sided head nodding thing, followed by "you probably don't realise how much you are eating". How can I not realise? I weigh it, record it, cook it and put it in my mouth don't I? For God's sake - it's not like I don't know anything about nutrition! Grrr.)
Anyway. I keep trying.
My latest attempt is Paul McKenna CDs as I go to bed. It does work in one way. One of the 4 key principles is only eat when you are hungry. Sadly, despite my massive size and contrary to popular opinion, I don't have a huge appetite. So when I listen to the CD, I eat hardly anything, perhaps once a day. This is great for weightloss but really bad for blood glucose (BG) control. So I end up having to monitor my BG and eat something if I really have to.
The boyfriend, as lovely as he is, knows nothing about nutrition or biology. He used to know someone who was diabetic and so claims to know all about it. Yesterday he tried to give me advice, which is very touching, but there, apparently, is only a number of ways to tell someone 'tried that' before they get upset.... In the end I listened carefully and nodded and said simply "thank you". I know he means well.
His prize nuggets yesterday were:
1. Try eating less.
2. Sit ups burn fat from your stomach. The best way to do sit ups is by hooking your feet under your bed and then lifting your body up.
3. Stop going on about food all the time.
Well thanks hun, that's really helpful.
In the beginning...
So here I am. Pipster.
Just here to try to organise and filter my mess of random thoughts that come up with the day to day living of today's girl. Will probably bore the pants off you. But feel free to share my innermost workings as I try to figure my way through life.
I guess a little about me is in order, just to put a little perspective on things.
I'm 35. Am a secondary school teacher. I manage our School's science department and spend far too much time at work. I am diabetic and fight a constant battle with my weight.
I have a boyfriend of 8 months. No constant battles there - but, well, I'm sure that future blogs will help me clarify how things stand between us.
Like I said, feel free to join in and contact me but, as the wisdom of my boyfriend's fridge magnet goes: Be nice or leave.
Have a great day all.
Just here to try to organise and filter my mess of random thoughts that come up with the day to day living of today's girl. Will probably bore the pants off you. But feel free to share my innermost workings as I try to figure my way through life.
I guess a little about me is in order, just to put a little perspective on things.
I'm 35. Am a secondary school teacher. I manage our School's science department and spend far too much time at work. I am diabetic and fight a constant battle with my weight.
I have a boyfriend of 8 months. No constant battles there - but, well, I'm sure that future blogs will help me clarify how things stand between us.
Like I said, feel free to join in and contact me but, as the wisdom of my boyfriend's fridge magnet goes: Be nice or leave.
Have a great day all.
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