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Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Wow, hello again.

I can't believe it's been a whole year since I last posted. And how much has changed. I've moved house, moved in with DH2B and had a baby, who is now a month old. I'm now on maternity leave from work and busy planning the wedding.

Meanwhile, in amongst all the fog of sleeplessness, I realising that my house is in utter chaos, despite DH2B's best efforts to tidy up when he comes home from work.

So I'm trying really hard to go back to Flylady's routines to try to get the house in order. I've started by shining my sink again and have now also made sure that the bed is made every morning - it's the shiny sink of the bedroom!

It's not easy with a baby, I can tell you. But while she sleeps and in the rare moments when I'm awake, I grab 5 minutes and my timer and do something, anything, to help.

Now all I need to do is get back to my insulin and routines for blood glucose measurements to sort myself out!

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Sunday scribblings - Dragon

Take me away to a castle. Let the ruins be enough intact to let me see how the rooftops and towers would have reached up to the sky, fitting for any scaly monster to curl around and protect.

Let the beast protect the history that is steeped within those stones, the emotions which seeped into the bricks over hundreds of years, as the building stood witness to unfolding events in time, an ever constant back drop to life's drama.
Let me feel the coolness of the stones on my fingertips. Let every touch fill me with the memories held within. Let me re live the past in my mind.

Take me there. And when I'm filled with the ghost of every woman who was in that place before me, kiss me. Let me bathe in the romance of the ruins. When I am feeling more like a woman than ever before, be like the man you always wanted to be. Open yourself up to the spirits of rugged knights, chivalrous and honour-driven. Allow the romance of the situation to fill your every pore and let us meet there as God and Goddess, succumbing to the magic within.

I fantasise about that one precious moment with you. Lost in time. Where, as Lord and Lady, we give in to love in the same way that men and women have done for centuries.

Would you see the Dragon there too? Would you see the stones as empty rocks? Or would you allow that history to flow through your veins and love me like a Lady should be loved?

Monday, 3 May 2010

Sunday Scribblings - Event

I've been asked to be Godmother to my nephew. This is a truly wonderful blessing and I'm very happy about it.

The Christening, however, is a different story.

As you know, I've started on this crazy diet this week and to be fair, have lost a ridiculous amount of weight so far. (Which I'm also very happy about, lol!) I have no idea if the weight loss will continue or be sustained or whatever, but it's all good right now.
Inspired by my success in the first week, it seems the world and his dog have decided to start on the Dukan diet too, with a view to being slimmer for the Christening in 4 weeks time.

So in 4 weeks time, I have to stand up in front of a whole room full of people and declare that I will help to bring up the child according to God's law, or something. The thought of having everyone's eyes on me fills me with utter dread. I know it sounds crazy, being a teacher, but that's totally different. Well maybe some of my worries will be alleviated by losing a few pounds over the next month - I'll be able to fit into a decent dress at least. My DearHusbandToBe will be there too and I just want him to be proud of me.
The other thing is that I feel like such a hypocrite. You see, I'm not Christian. I believe in God and try to live my life the right way but I am actually, well, Pagan, I guess. Can I really stand up there and make such a promise?
How many other people enter into such an undertaking without considering such things? Do they so this at Christenings just because it's 'traditional'? As far as I believe, neither of the two parents go to church or even believe in God. Is it the same as the growing number of people who get married in a church because it's traditional and makes pretty photos for the album, rather than because they are avid church goers and want to make a solemn promise to God. Often folks get married in church even though that is the only time that they have stepped foot in one in years.

When I get married, I plan a civil ceremony, making promises only to each other and to those who are there. It would just be a sham to do it any other way. I want my wedding wows to be honest and meaningful for us both.

Saturday, 1 May 2010


I have recently subscribed to a daily meditation site. My meditation for today is:

"My emotions are a natural part of my being. I give up struggling against them, suppressing and subduing them. They are whatever they are; fear, shame, hurt or anger and as I embrace and accept them they dissolve into the ocean of Consciousness."

This reminded me once of something that a friend once told me. He was a recovering alcoholic and addict and although he had been clean and dry for some years, he lived and breathed his 12 step life every single moment of every day. He said that he didn't mind feeling sad or angry. He said that recognising that he could feel at all reminded him that he was no longer numb to life and all of it's natural highs and lows. When he drank or did drugs he blocked out his feelings, along with his problems. Feeling anger, pain or sadness for him was bittersweet. He was alive, he was feeling. He was living a full life.

When I was meditating daily (I really should get back to doing that!) I learnt how to detach myself from my thoughts and concerns. I could recognise them and let them go. I didn't hold on to the energy. It was a very powerful tool, to be able to still recognise what you are feeling but to not dwell on it in a negative way. Accepting how you feel and allowing yourself to move on, also allows the answers to flow to you from the universe. You know when you just can't remember the name of that actor in the film that you were talking about - but later on when you've stopped thinking about it and you are washing up, the name randomly pops into your head? It's the same. I don't know where the answers to problems come from - I just know that all I have to do is make space in my mind to listen and the answers appear.

Today I finished Day 6 of Dukan Attack phase. I've eaten well and BG have been stable and low all day. I've felt a little low all day but I don't think it's anything to do with the diet.
I've put on half a kilo since yesterday, but that's ok as the downward trend is down and I've lost almost a stone since before I started.

I think I was feeling a little down just because I'm missing DearHusbandToBe. It seems like an age since I've seen him and another age until I will, next weekend. He's at a beer festival today and is busy having fun 400 miles away. Meanwhile, I have spent the day doing chores and chilling out, wondering when he was going to call me.

He hasn't called.

And now that I've figured out what's been bugging me all day, actually I don't mind that he hasn't called. I'm laughing at myself for being so needy today. It's good that I miss him. I must love him, and that's great!

What a numpty. It's time I concentrated on having my own fun!

Friday, 30 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 5

I've now lost over 6kg. Last night I pranced around the bedroom, trying on all of my favourite clothes which I couldn't even squeeze into this time last week.
I'm well aware that I'll put a little back on again when I start to eat veg again, but I'm pretty happy right now.

I know I am not a good dieter. I get far too overexcited at the prospect of losing weight. I just can't seem to help myself. Even when I try really hard not to, I still end up trying to work out when I will have lost x amount of weight, when I will be into a particular size and planning out when I will need to go shopping for new clothes.
This hasn't really been helped by the website for the diet which has given me a 'prediction' of the number of days that I will be on each phase for. And even though I know that it is not even remotely possible to predict how quickly I will or will not lose weight - in my head there is the nagging persisting idea the by November I will be stable at my target weight. I know it's crazy. But this is why it's so tempting - this idea that by Christmas I could be just a slim shadow of my former self. Glamorous and gorgeous and generally adored by all.

Even though this is a fleeting tought in my mind, it makes me question just how comfortable I was in my own skin after all. I had always thought that at this point in my life, I have come to feel happy with the way that I am. Yes, I do need to lose weight if I can for my health to improve my diabetes, but if I don't then I can still look in the mirror every morning and love me for the person that I am, wrinkles, stretch marks, generously proportioned wobbly bits and all.
So when I get all excited about the prospect of actually being slim, it feels almost as though I have given myself over to some cult, given up that feeling of acceptance and am all of a sudden condeming the way that I look right now as somehow not okay.

Anyway, to top this self-doubt off, I then invariably fail to meet my self-set deadlines and then end up feeling like I have failed and the whole cycle begins again.

This time, I think I'll just take what I can get, when I can get it. If I manage to keep the weight off that I've already lost, in the long term, then at least I'll be more comfortable in my clothes and my conscience.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 4

Is it normal to dread eating vegetables?
I couldn't cope with the suspense any more so I went and brought myself a set of bathroom scales.
I've done 4 days of attack and have lost 4.5kg. I weighed myself 3 times to check because it just didn't seem right - but it's true!!

Two more days of attack and then I can eat what I'm craving - veg. Well to be fair, I'm not craving it or hungry at all, but I do look forward to veg next week. But I'm expecting to gain a little weight again then - hopefully I wont be right back to the beginning.

I celebrated by treating myself to some new underwear - as the old stuff are (a) passion killers and (b) keep falling down. It's never very attractive to see someone hitching up their knickers, is it?

So here's to another few days of diet coke, pancakes and oh yes, steak. Yum!

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 3

Three days down, three to go and then I can eat vegetables - whohoo!

Today has gone well. I don't recall too many moments today when I haven't had a drink of some kind in my hand. As a result my headache is much better today.
(I did have a bad stomach last night but am reliably informed that it's just a result of changing my diet.)

I didn't have time for my yummy breakfast that I'd planned but happy enough with a boiled egg as usual. Leftovers from yesterday for lunch - yum. Dinner was a chicken Korma with a garlic flavoured pancake to go with it. Totally yum.

My tummy is very happy. I can't wait to see how much weight I've lost this week. Sunday feels like an age away.