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Friday 30 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 5

I've now lost over 6kg. Last night I pranced around the bedroom, trying on all of my favourite clothes which I couldn't even squeeze into this time last week.
I'm well aware that I'll put a little back on again when I start to eat veg again, but I'm pretty happy right now.

I know I am not a good dieter. I get far too overexcited at the prospect of losing weight. I just can't seem to help myself. Even when I try really hard not to, I still end up trying to work out when I will have lost x amount of weight, when I will be into a particular size and planning out when I will need to go shopping for new clothes.
This hasn't really been helped by the website for the diet which has given me a 'prediction' of the number of days that I will be on each phase for. And even though I know that it is not even remotely possible to predict how quickly I will or will not lose weight - in my head there is the nagging persisting idea the by November I will be stable at my target weight. I know it's crazy. But this is why it's so tempting - this idea that by Christmas I could be just a slim shadow of my former self. Glamorous and gorgeous and generally adored by all.

Even though this is a fleeting tought in my mind, it makes me question just how comfortable I was in my own skin after all. I had always thought that at this point in my life, I have come to feel happy with the way that I am. Yes, I do need to lose weight if I can for my health to improve my diabetes, but if I don't then I can still look in the mirror every morning and love me for the person that I am, wrinkles, stretch marks, generously proportioned wobbly bits and all.
So when I get all excited about the prospect of actually being slim, it feels almost as though I have given myself over to some cult, given up that feeling of acceptance and am all of a sudden condeming the way that I look right now as somehow not okay.

Anyway, to top this self-doubt off, I then invariably fail to meet my self-set deadlines and then end up feeling like I have failed and the whole cycle begins again.

This time, I think I'll just take what I can get, when I can get it. If I manage to keep the weight off that I've already lost, in the long term, then at least I'll be more comfortable in my clothes and my conscience.

Thursday 29 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 4

Is it normal to dread eating vegetables?
I couldn't cope with the suspense any more so I went and brought myself a set of bathroom scales.
I've done 4 days of attack and have lost 4.5kg. I weighed myself 3 times to check because it just didn't seem right - but it's true!!

Two more days of attack and then I can eat what I'm craving - veg. Well to be fair, I'm not craving it or hungry at all, but I do look forward to veg next week. But I'm expecting to gain a little weight again then - hopefully I wont be right back to the beginning.

I celebrated by treating myself to some new underwear - as the old stuff are (a) passion killers and (b) keep falling down. It's never very attractive to see someone hitching up their knickers, is it?

So here's to another few days of diet coke, pancakes and oh yes, steak. Yum!

Wednesday 28 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 3

Three days down, three to go and then I can eat vegetables - whohoo!

Today has gone well. I don't recall too many moments today when I haven't had a drink of some kind in my hand. As a result my headache is much better today.
(I did have a bad stomach last night but am reliably informed that it's just a result of changing my diet.)

I didn't have time for my yummy breakfast that I'd planned but happy enough with a boiled egg as usual. Leftovers from yesterday for lunch - yum. Dinner was a chicken Korma with a garlic flavoured pancake to go with it. Totally yum.

My tummy is very happy. I can't wait to see how much weight I've lost this week. Sunday feels like an age away.

Tuesday 27 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 2

Blimey what a day!!

I decided to do something different for breakfast and had some sliced ham - I was rushed off my feet, so didn't get anything more than that, but it filled me up.

Lunch was a little unfortunate. I had planned to have the left-overs from last night's dinner. When I got into work I didn't take the tub out of my bag and put it into the fridge as I normally do. In fact, I only remembered that I had left it in my bag when I had worked through lunch and went to get it during my free period afterwards. But to be honest, I wasn't particularly hungry, so I wasn't too bothered. Besides, my BG was stable at around 7 all day, so I didn't worry too much.

Got home and decided to try one of those Dukan pancake thingies. I made it and it was surprisingly nice. I let it cool down, sliced it into ribbons and then stirred through some cooked chicken and non fat cheese. Yum! In fact it was so filling that I could only eat half of the meal. I can keep the rest for tomorrow's lunch.
The pancake was a bit like bread so it will make nice wraps for pretty much anything. I'm really looking forward to one with smoked salmon tomorrow for breakfast.
Recipe:
1 egg
1 tbsp wheat bran
2 tbsp oatbran
2 tbsp low fat fromage frais.

I think with some sweetener it could be made into a kind of sweet treat too! In fact, it would be great spread with dukan nutella - I'm sure I saw a recipe for that somewhere, will have to dig it out.

No figures for weight loss yet. I refuse to keep a set of scales as I know of the obsession that lies there. I plan to weigh myself at the gym on Sunday. But, like yesterday, much less bloated and feeling great. Also I keep ketostix in the bathroom from the last time I tried a serious low carb diet. (I didn't stick on it perfectly, but reduced carb has stuck for a while.) Anyhow, I was curious so I peed on the stick! It went light pink. It never went pink all the time that I was doing low carb before and the darker pink the better, as far as I'm concerned. I am so chuffed at that. It means that my body is starting to burn fat. As my BG is normal and stable, the dangers that are associated with this are limited, I'm told, so I'm pretty happy.

I had a headache yesterday evening, so I tried really hard to drink more water today. I think I've managed about 2 litres and am going to drink another couple of glasses this evening. Head is much better tonight.

I can't wait for tomorrow!

Monday 26 April 2010

Dukan Attack Day 1

Hmmm. Well, it's been an interesting day! Today's food:
Breakfast 1 boiled egg
Lunch 3 slices ham with some philly light and babybel
Dinner Turkey breast stuff with garlic and philadelphia.

I haven't been hungry all day - until 6pm when I hadn't eaten for 5 hours, which is fair enough! I came home and shoved something in the oven. Had I not been hungry, I probably could have cooked something a little tastier for dinner. It was ok. I made two but only ate one as I was stuffed. I might eat it later if my BG fall too low.

Small emergency - can't find my BG monitor from the clever hiding place I put it in at the weekend. That is my mission for the evening. I had to use my horrible only-takes-blood-from -your-finger-and-it really-hurts-for-ages spare monitor at work. BG had been stable at just under 6 all day. Have felt great!

But on the plus side, my Tesco delivery just arrived, so tomorrow I am looking forward to Dukan bread with my boiled egg, chicken muffins for lunch and I don't know about dinner yet - going to find a recipe tonight.

So how does it feel? Well it's kind of hard to know how this relates to a non-diabetic but as my BG have been normal all day, I've been feeling great. Full of energy and not nearly as tired as I was before. In fact, I've got to go and find my BG meter as I might need to alter my meds tomorrow so that I don't end up hypo-ing when I'm at work. I am so impressed!
When I look at what I've eaten today, I'll be really surprised if I didn't lose weight this week as there can't be masses of calories there. I quite like the unlimited food aspect - I'd love to eat more but I'm just so full.

Only negative today: I'm really missing vegetables. I usually eat lots of them so I'm craving a whole plateful at the moment. I'm glad that I don't have to do this attack business for more than 6 days, I can't wait to get back to 'normal' on the PV/PP part.

Well one day down, 5 to go. I already feel far less bloated and my clothes feel normal, rather than the strain that was there before. Am I imagining that? We'll see!

Sunday 25 April 2010

Delusions of glamour

I flew up to see my fiance on Friday - a very quick visit using flights transferred from the volcanoed trip last weekend.

I had worked all day and jumped in the car to get to the airport in time. I was still in my work clothes and feeling pretty grubby, carrying a whole load of work with me. Ahead of me in queue were two beautiful people, joined at the neck it semed and very much in love. She was dressed in a very chic travelling outfit complete with sexy heels, carrying only a handbag. He carried a bag, which I assume was for both of them. And there was I, tired, bedraggled and with bigger bags under my eyes than my handbaggage that I was lugging around, painfully. Whilst the beautiful people had been chatting in departures over a coffee, I had been shuffling papers on a nearby table, trying to ignore noisy hen-parties and do some of the urgent marking that had to be done this weekend.

It reminded me of my frequent wish in my first few years of teaching. I longed for what we called a 'hand bag job'. You could work at a desk all day, so it was possible to look glamorous in killer heels and all you had to take to work was a handbag. You didn't have to lug huge bags of work to and from home and sensible shoes wouldn't be necessary to avoid crippling you.

On the plane, I was confronted by yet more glamour. The air hostesses always amaze me. Not only are they only a size 8-10 (as they need to be that narrow to fit easily down the aisle) but they are on their feet all day with heels on and they always seem to have perfect make up. To be fair, most of them do seem to have taken make-up lessons from Jordan and have tans that are a little on the orange side, but still. Smiles perfectly planted in place all day. I wondered if they have make-up lessons at stewardess school.

On the way home, I was stunned by a rare example of male glamour. There was a very well spoken gentleman with his daughter waiting at the gate and I was just fascinated by him. I've never seen anyone like him in real life before! He looked as though he had come dressed up as a parody of an English gent. He was wearing a pink polo shirt and lemon cardigan. On top he had a blue blazer, complete with a red rose in the lapel. (And this was St George's day weekend, too!) His trousers were green tartan and he wore penny loafers. I just had to keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye. Was he for real? It seemed so, after closer inspection. I was just stunned by him. Why wasn't he on a private jet for this journey? Again, here I was with my scruffy jeans and hair all over the place. I wasn't sure that I felt dressed well enough to be on the same flight as these two!

One day I will be a real girl and put make-up on and everything before I go to the airport!

Sunday scribblings - Dinner

Funny that this was the prompt for today. I have been spending that last couple of days researching the Dukan diet and plan to start it today.

The thing is, I've become far too content with the DearHusband2Be. He says he loves me just as I am (sigh, yes that bit from Bridget Jones, girls!) and with all of the romantic dinners out and dinners in and so on, have put on so much weight that I'm starting to get uncomfortable in my clothes!! (Well, as we live apart, I do have to confess that I just haven't really been planning my food or looking after my blood sugar as much - I've just been focussed on other things.)
The other day a letter dropped through my door, reminding me about my annual HBA1c blood tests and it was the kick up the bum that I needed. I know that starting to eat properly again isn't going to help my HbA1c levels now, but it'll be good to get back on track.

Normally I try to stick to a high protein, low carb diet which keeps my Blood Glucose (BG) in check but then Date dinners happened, then Easter happened and then general laziness kicked in! The Dukan diet doesn't actually appear to be too far away from how I normally eat (when I'm being good!) anyway, and lots of people seem to be doing really well with it and so I thought I'd give it a go.
The big difference is the 'attack' phase where you only eat pure protein for a few days to kick start the new eating plan. After that you can eat a mixture of pure protein and low carb veg, which suits me nicely.

So here goes. Attack phase. I'm going to do it for 7 days. My fears at this point are that I might get migraines (as I sometimes seem to if I haven't eaten enough carbs) and that I may struggle to drink the recommended 3 litres of water a day at work. I'll try.
The other concern is that I may get bad breath in this time. I know it seems like a silly thing to worry about, but I work with kids and I don't want to spend the week making them endure the bad breath!!
Anyhow. Here it is. I'm going to plan out my menu for the week and then go shopping later.
Right now, for today it's boiled eggs for breakfast, prawns for lunch and for then for dinner, I think I'll have chicken stuffed with non fat cream cheese.
I'm going to have to start tracking my BG carefully again, so I can adjust my meds and avoid hypos.

I've got until next August to ty to get into a reasonable dress size, so that I can start getting excited about looking gorgeous for the wedding. How much do I seriously want to lose here? Is it wrong to hope for a loss of 37 kg? I know it sounds a lot but that would take me into a healthy weight. (Yeah, I'm heavy now!) Well let's take it one kilo at a time. It will all add up in the end.
I am so going to do this!

Wednesday 21 April 2010

Sunday Scribblings - Wonder

I had to chuckle to myself when I saw this prompt. I am a person who asks lots of questions and often when I am asked about why the query, my response is "just wondering". And there often really isn't a hidden agenda, I actually do just spurt out the random questions which arrive in my brain.
So to be perfectly honest, a large part of my life is spend "just wondering". I'm not away with the fairies, really I'm not.
Most of my wonderings are about figuring people out. I love to know what makes people tick. Sometimes my wonderings are about people in history and how their lives were different.

I'm hoping one day to do a Psychology degree so that I can put these wonderings to good use. Perhaps folk will stop thinking that I am (a) a spy (b) deranged or (c) very nosy. Well, I am nosy, but for purely scientific purposes!

Wednesday 14 April 2010

Poor poor fiance - what a palaver!

My poor, poor fiance.

We try to maintain a long distance relationship as he currently lives nearly 400 miles away from me. He contacted me on an internet site and we agreed that we would only be friends, as neither of us was looking to have a long distance romance.
We chatted every day online and he quickly became my closest friend. I was going through the worst possible time at work right then and I'm not sure I would have maintained my sanity (what there is of it) without his constant support. So eventually we agreed to meet up, of course, just as friends.
Well that premise lasted, um, about 5 minutes and we eventually gave in to being in love.

Now that's all fine and well, but like I said, we live nearly 400 miles apart. So until he sells up and moves, we have to try to cope with seeing each other a couple of times a month. We've become regulars at the airport (believe it or not, air travel is the cheapest option!) and keep in contact mostly, by webcam. (Now don't be rude - it's all very innocent.)

So we decided to start having weekly webcam 'dates'. Just for one day a week we meet online at a preset time and turn everything else OFF. No Facebook, no Bebo, no MSN, no emails etc etc etc. Just quality time devoted to each other to talk about what's happening in our lives, getting to know each other better. There is often a bit of gentle flirting and occasionally a glass of wine or two. And actually, it works. We really enjoy it and it's the nearest we can come to having a real date. We both feel pretty special afterwards and totally loved up.

Anyway. That's just a little background to put things into context for you.

Sadly this week our online date coincided with a small but not insignificant bout of PMT on my part. Now don't get me wrong - I really don't suffer too badly compared with other women I have heard about. Occasionally I get away with nothing at all, but this month reverted to the traditional 24hr being far too needy and insecure followed by 24hr recovering back to normality.
No raging tempers or angry outbursts, but it's bad enough.
We logged on at the appointed time.
It was great to see him, sitting there smiling at me, as usual.
We chat about our day and occasionally I see his eyes flicker to other parts of his screen and by mouse-clicks and typing, I surmise that he is not devoting his time entirely to me. Now this has happened before over the last couple of dates and I have previously made a mental note to myself to bring this up as something that we should sort out. I can't really actually complain, I have read the odd email and checked out facebook myself whilst he's talking to me.
He plays me a song that he thinks I'll like - which is a beautifully romantic gesture. And another. But whilst the song is playing through the speakers, we can't talk. So, sensibly, he uses the time to check emails and facebook. There's nothing in any way wrong with that.

But we are forgetting the wretched hormones which currently have control over my emotions and reasoning.
I really want to tell him to stop the music and ask him to pay me some attention, but even as the thought begins the form in my head I hear it and I know how utterly ridiculous it sounds. So I can't find the words to explain it in another way. And then the moment has passed and the unspoken thought is just sitting there, looming. Too big for me to express and still appear like a normal, reasonable, confident woman, as though my mouth just isn't big enough to form the words, but also too big for me to ignore. I end up feeling stupidly stuck between being annoyed with him and knowing how to talk to him about it without coming across as a total bunny-boiling lunatic. He puts another song on. I sit silently looking at the webcam. I can hear the 'ping' of his MSN announcing that one of his friends is chatting to him. I end up staring at the top of his head as he types his answers and biting down more anger.
And the silly thing is, the more angry I am with him, the angrier I get with myself for (a) feeling that way and (b) not being able to just spit it out and tell him. I know that mostly if it were not for the HormoneGestapo, I would be feeling just a little miffed and would have jokingly told him off.
But poor Hubby to be. He asks me what's wrong. (Why do I say nothing? There is something.) He asks "this hasn't been a very good date, has it?" and I shake my head, feeling hormonal tears threatening to make their presence known. He says he is going to bed and he'll call to say goodnight. (We always say our goodnights curled up in bed over the phone.)
I feel so terribly awful at this point. I communicate for a living - why I found this so difficult to talk about, I have no idea!

Luckily he is a good man. He isn't quick to anger and his patience always amazes me. He knows that there is something wrong and that if he gets me on the phone I am more likely to talk about it. So he gives me a little time to work out in my head how to tell him that I felt neglected and unloved. Then calls me and asks just enough questions in just the right tone of voice to get it all out in the open.
Trying to explain to him why I didn't just say something at the time was really hard and I don't know if he got it. Do men turn into hormone bags in the same way?
We laughed about how silly it was after we'd talked it through. We both agreed that if we are going to stop the distance getting in the way, we should keep our 'dates' special and devote time only to each other.
And then we talked and talked, about our hopes and dreams for the future.

Like I said, Poor poor fiance. What a palaver!

Sunday 11 April 2010

Deadlines - Sunday Scribbling

Oh this one would be so easy to write about from a professional point of view. My whole entire life seems to be governed by deadlines during term time. Other folk might be looking ahead to the holidays but any discussion of this sends me into a mini panic. All I can see between me and the holidays are all the deadline markers, looming up like hurdles on a track. And I was really never very good at hurdles. Something to do with having short legs.

But there is more to deadlines than just the obvious. For a woman there is a biological deadline by which time one must have had children, otherwise it won't happen. At least not naturally, anyway.
When I was young, there seemed to be an endless amount of lifetime stretching ahead of me. I never wanted to have children too early. I wanted to live a little first. This isn't becuase I was career driven or anything, more that my mum had me when she was just a teenager and has always told me that I should have my life before committing to a family.

It was only in my early thirties that I started to question when my time would come to have children. Rather than start to desperately seek out a prospective father for my children and schedule in dates for conception, I told myself that I had to accept the distinct possibility that I may never have children at all.

And that was hard.

Some tears were shed but in the end I just came to terms with it all. I may have kids one day and that would be amazing but if I don't, I don't. Since accepting this possible future, I've come to realise how lucky I am to have my own space and time. I've realised just how selfish I am and wondered if I did have kids, how I would possibly fit them in amoungst all work deadlines?

My fiance really wants to have children, I hope it happens for his sake. But then, I also really hope he's great at babysitting on his own so I can get on with some work.

Saturday 10 April 2010

What it is that you want so much to attain for yourself but which has yet remained the biggest challenge for yourself each day?

My question for the day. I think the important bit is not just what I want to attain but something that causes me to struggle every day.

This is a simple one for me. It would be easy to say 'a family' but this isn't a daily struggle. The single most important thing to me which I would like to attain is a healthy weight.
It has eluded me for years and yes, this is a daily struggle.

I used to have a very poor relationship with food when I was younger and struggled thorugh a period of bulemia, followed by many years of binge eating disorder. I don't think that is something which ever really goes away. It is a constant battle.

I used to say that I would rather have become reliant on drugs or alcohol - you can abstain from these things completely if you wish to. But food, no. With food you have to face your demons at every meal time. I don't drink, I've never smoked, I try to take enough exercise and look after myself. My one vice, my enemy is the one thing I can't avoid.

I confessed the other night to my wonderful fiance about my history with food and eating disorders. I think he tried to understand and I'm greatful that he didn't come out with anything crass like "can't you just not eat so much" (as other partners have done). I don't think though, that anyone who hasn't been in that situation can really get how it feels to want to keep eating until you feel sick. And then the guilt afterwards - leading to even worse feelings about yourself.
No, no, this isn't a 'poor me, (poor me, pour me another drink as recovering alcoholic ex boyfriend once used to joke) moment. It's just an attempt to describe the horrid cycle of evil thoughts that drive those with eating disorders.

Like I said before, learning to meditate changed my life. I don't feel so controlled by food anymore. I don't feel the need to comfort eat the way that I did. I honestly can't remember the last time that I binged out. That's not to say that it has all left my life for good. It is still very much a vivid memory, painful enough to remind me how it feels to give in to it again.

I can't describe the shame that I feel about allowing myself to get that way. I suppose part of it is about being out of control and part is due to the idea that outsiders would look in and think that I am lazy and greedy and that it is all my fault. I have a friend who has a problem with binge eating too. We totally understand each other in way that even our partners cannot. I know how it feels to want to just keep eating and eating to make yourself feel better. I get the shame of hiding wrappers deep in the bin so no one else will know my shameful secret. I understand the feeling of sickness afterwards, which is more than just physical. Being utterly disguted with yourself, and wanting to either purge or turn back time.

But the guilt these days is fleeting. It is acknowledged and then I move on, because otherwise, dwelling on it means being drawn along a dark road that I don't want to travel ever again.

There have been so many times over the last year that I could have turned back to my old habits for comfort if I had wanted to but I didn't - and I am so proud of myself every minute that I make the right decision!

So here I am, still trying to make the right choices every day, still wishing that I could fit into a size 14 :) One day, I'll get there.

Friday 9 April 2010

A little spring cleaning....

It's been a long time.
It's a new year now and so much has happened.

I've met a wonderful chap who has been foolish enough to propose and I have accepted. I couldn't be happier right now and it occurs to me that I only ever keep my diary when I am feeling unhappy - so I should make an effort to record some of my life which isn't at my deepest, darkest moments!

There is a blog called Sunday Scribblings which provides a journal prompt every week to inspire. This weeks is "Mentor".

I have had several mentors so far. There is a saying which says "when the student is ready, the teacher appears". I find that somehow, the guidance that I need in various aspects of life, love and work always appears. Sometimes, I admit, I don't see it for looking, but then clarity arrives.

There was a lady who ran the spiritual development centre down the road. She taught me many things, but the most valuable teaching was the ability to simply be still. When you are still the world slows down. You can hear whatever the universe is trying to tell you and then, you become your own mentor. My life changed when I learnt how to meditate. Sometimes I forget that, but I always some back to it in the end. I know I go on about it to those who know me far too much, but if it brings the same happiness to one other person in the world, then my 'shout it from the rooftops' approach is justified.

The same lady also taught me to read Tarot cards. She said once that the cards would become like familiar friends. I thought she was a little crazy then - but now I completely understand what she meant.

I don't think I have ever been a mentor to someone else. That would be quite a frightening responsibility. I only feel half baked myself, with so much to work on. I guess that means I will forever be growing and learning as I go along. It's far more important for me to leave a mark on the hearts of my family and friends than it is to be remembered for being wise.

Fortunately.